No, I’m not abused. I climb in the rafters of my warehouse. I run and jump. I hoop and I spin fire, and play with staffs (staves, but I hate that word).

I wonder sometimes how I’m ever going to deal with being in such a mainstream profession, because I hope to never NOT have bruises like this. I hope to always do fun stuff that’s a little dangerous and a whole lot of crazy.

As a side note, even the “freaks” in this school are starting to become mainstream. This makes me sad.

The first day of school, first semester, I showed up around an hour early, and went to my class nearly 30 minutes early. The class was already mostly full of anxious 1Ls.

The first day of school, second semester, I barely made it. I rolled in at 3 minutes ’till, and I was far from the last to enter the room. Several people skipped the first day entirely.

First semester, I would skip class before going without full briefs of every single word in the required reading for that class. This semester, I have briefed three cases total, out of approximately 15 read so far.

I am not necessarily proud of the fact that I’m not working as hard. I’m working hard in other, more efficient ways though, and I’m happy to know more about what I’m doing. I know what things to spend time on, and which things are less important.

I was on call today in Torts. I hadn’t really read the material like I should have, and I hadn’t briefed it at all. I had (still have, at the moment) a fever and a cold, and had really considered skipping the class entirely. And I did fine. I didn’t even get nervous like I have in the past. I’m getting the hang of this stuff.

I don’t know why this particular notion of releasing myself from the obligation of checking the time struck me the way that it did, but soon thereafter, I took off my watch forever. I haven’t worn one since, and it has been around 6 years since I last did so.

In my room, there are no windows. In fact, there is no view to the outside world within view of my room. So, it is always midnight in there. Time feels like it does not exist there. I thought I would feel claustrophobic without windows, but I have found instead that I sleep better than I ever have before.

Of course, the world is hung up on time, so there are times when I need to know what time it is. I prefer to set alarms on my cell phone, rather than to look at the time often. I just set my alarm for whatever point I need to begin to get ready, or when I need to head out, and that’s that.

When I am on vacation, or on weekends, I don’t look at clocks at all, ever.

All in all, living my life without a watch, and freeing myself from time has been a fantastic choice for me, and it is one that I encourage you to consider also.
You should try to live your life without a clock for a while.

I just completed my flash cards (this is my preferred method of studying) for my Torts exam, which happens on Thursday. My Torts outline is 21 pages, which I feel like is ridiculous and ample, but which is nearly 20 pages shorter than my professor suggested the outline SHOULD be. I’m trying not to let this stress me out.

My first exam is Contracts, and I think I’m going to be prepared. I worked with a study group today, and felt pleased with how much more of the info I knew than I thought I did.

An interesting thing about studying for law finals is the fact that I actually want to LEARN it and retain the information. Every single thing I learn will benefit me when I have clients. This isn’t like studying German in undergrad- I knew I wouldn’t use that ever again. So my studying was very basic, and included a lot of memorization, rather than learning. This is different, and I find myself *wanting* to stay up late and learn as much as I possibly can. And not so much because of the exam (although obviously that’s a motivating factor), but more because I *want* the knowledge, and I can see a purpose for having it.

I do find that I’m planning a lot of things during my 4 or so weeks between classes. I may sleep for a whole day, too. And read a fiction book. Or not ever read a single word, given how many words I’ve read this semester.

I had a moment a couple of days ago where a person that I love, (who probably does not love me back [but maybe he does], and who I’m definitely not dating) popped up on Facebook. It made me smile. I have had some difficult emotions around him, and it made me really happy to find that I had reached a place where I was (I can’t think of a good word here – settled, stable, secure, even…) enough to just simply be happy to see him. It doesn’t have to be sad or angry or upsetting – you can love someone even if you aren’t dating them or sleeping with them or even around them all that much. It was kind of neat to sit there for a second and think fondly, and move on.

Yes, I stumble because I tend to fall for people extremely quickly. I find people that I really click for (for, not with. I don’t want to assume that they click back, but maybe they do), and it doesn’t happen all that often. So when it does, I latch, cling, and fall. Most of the time, it doesn’t go anywhere. I think this is mostly b/c I fall for people who are difficult for whatever reason. I don’t control that, so I don’t really know how to choose better. So, when it doesn’t work out, I really can’t understand, because I felt so strongly about it all. How can it NOT WORK OUT? It is devastating, usually for about a week. Then it’s just kind of sad for another week or two. Then eventually, I resign myself to this residual feeling, which eventually clears out, fades some, focuses, and becomes love.

This sounds creepy to read. It sounds like I completely lose my mind, obsessing, and that I’m one new person away from becoming a crazy stalker. It isn’t like that. I don’t do things like show up where people are just to see them, or send a million emails. I don’t peer in people’s windows. I mostly just think about the person a lot. I think about most people I care about, a lot.

I hesitated about typing this stuff up, but I felt like I needed to bring my thoughts around again after the last poly post. I hope people don’t assume I’m going to instantly fall in love with them, and avoid being around me. It’s actually pretty rare that I like someone that much.

I will add that I had another experience recently that reminded me of why I enjoy being polyamorous. I was hugging a friend and we were talking closely about something that had nothing to do with anything cuddly or sweet at all. And we really just fit together, the way we were standing together. I felt this crazy sweet, sexual, charged connection with him for those few moments, and it was awesome. It actually left me a little breathless. I walked away from that moment, thankful that I didn’t have to feel guilty about sharing it with someone who was not my husband. In the past, prior to my choosing to be poly, that moment would have possibly marked the beginning of the end of my monogamous relationship. I would have thought that if I was able to feel that with someone else, it must mean that my current relationship is fizzling. It doesn’t have to mean that now.

I still think polyamory sucks, and that it is tough, and quite possibly not worth it. However, I also think I can’t really be anything but poly. I think a lot of my issues with it lately have more to do with things going on inside my own head, heart, and family, and less with all the crap involved with being poly. I am changing my own approach for a while.

Yeah fuck all that. What’s the gain? You go through all the work, all the struggle of getting over the feelings of complete hatred you have every single time your partner hooks up with someone new, and you figure out all the “facets” of your own jealousy and insecurity. For what? Because of the rumored joys of being able to have that lovely feeling of obsession and unbridled lust that one gets at the beginning of a new relationship? People certainly don’t go through all that work just because they want to better themselves and move society toward more open and loving relationships.

No, people actually become polyamorous because they like to fuck. They like to fall in love. They like to lust after the hot thing that just walked by, (hopefully) without their partner having a fucking conniption fit in public. That feeling people get when they fancy someone knew. THAT is why people are fucking polyamorous, not because it is somehow “enlightened.”

I’m not sure that it is worth it though. That feeling is a bag of bullshit in my opinion. Find someone you dig, then get butterflies over them. Go about whatever it is you do in your relationship strategy. Some people ask for phone numbers, other e-stalk. Whatever. You eventually decide to let the person know. Or you don’t. And then you obsess and think and watch for them and hope they update their fucking Facebook status, so you will have some glimpse into whatever it is they do with their lives. You ponder how you might fit there. Then time passes and nothing comes of it, and you cycle through the standard emotions: lust, hope, fear, sadness, anger, abandonment, maybe a touch of depression, baseline. Back to square one, while your fucking partner is off fucking three new people and getting attention all over the place.

And maybe every once in a while, poly people find someone knew to actually “date.” And maybe it will even last for a while. Maybe they will fall in love, or hot lust, or something. Eventually though, it disintegrates. And they do it all over again with someone new. Polyamory means you get to go through this ridiculous, awful cycle over and over and over again, your entire fucking life. Rather than ending up in a marriage where, at your 50th wedding anniversary you may not like your spouse much, but at least you know the fucker is going to be around from day to day, you instead get to deal with the constant rejection, pain, heartache and bother of dead end relationship after dead end relationship. Do you actually REMEMBER high school? Do you remember how fucking awful it felt to be one of the only ones without a date at the time? Do you remember wondering what’s wrong with you, and why no one wanted YOU? Well consider that as an adult, with your beer gut, your childbirth scars, your stretchmarks, your never-going-to-be-in-shape-again adult body, your kids, your ever-present job and your bald spot. Now guess how easy it is to get a date, and how much it fucking messes with your head when no one is in to you. You thought it sucked when you actually looked half-decent in your younger years.

Rather than dealing with that shit once and for all, and finally just settling instead poly people elect to do it over and over. Why would we do this intentionally? Why would we set ourselves up to deal with the awkwardness of dating, when we could easily just leave that life behind?

Oh and don’t forget, you’re supposed to CELEBRATE the fact that your partner, if you even have one, is off fucking the ever loving shit out of someone, while you haven’t even seen the genitals of anyone new in two fucking years. Remember that it is unacceptable in polyamory to be jealous of this. That isn’t enlightened at all!

Yeah polyamory is great. I suppose the argument is that the enlightened mindset, as well as the supposed vast level of personal fulfillment poly people get from all their “many loves” (no matter how short-lived, apparently) somehow trumps all the complete bullshit that goes along with it. I’m not really sure how THAT math makes much sense, given how much the fucking cycle of infatuation and letdown SUCKS, but there you go.

First, to those of you who are so loudly opposed to Obama’s health care plan, have you even read it? If not, go there now, and read it now.

Second, to all of you who keep saying, “But look how well the Gubment is running VA hospitals,” go read this article in Time.
Admittedly, VA hospitals are not immune to health care crisis in this country. I will also admit that I’ve known some people who have received substandard care in VA hospitals. However, at least they RECEIVED care, which is more than what a growing number of Americans get, because we’re all too scared to go get the medical help we need because of the expense involved!

Third, do you even have an understanding of the current system of health care? Please go read this paper from the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, which outlines all the ways in which the US FAILS compared to most other developed countries, with regard to our health, health care, and quality of life. Oh, and conveniently, it also outlines how to a) get everyone the medical care they need, without b) increasing costs nationally. Fascinating.

Fourth, please spare me the “socialist” crap. Do you even know what socialism IS? Before you call the red police, please go read the wiki article on the topic before screaming “but it’s a SOCIALIST plan!” You might be surprised to find that YOU are actually more in line with socialist ideals than you thought. ::gasp:: (Then go read this article, which compares [in a fun way] health care in Canada and England.)

I’m sure you read all that.

I can say with absolute certainty that every single person who will read these words I’m typing now, knows someone who does not have any kind of health insurance. Nearly every person knows someone with some kind of chronic illness. Everyone has either chosen NOT to pick up a prescription once they saw how expensive it was, or has expressed concern over how expensive their medication was. Some have contemplated illegally importing medication from other countries just so they can even afford to use the medication they’ve been prescribed. Most people who DO have medical insurance are bothered by how expensive it is, how much it DOESN’T cover, and how much the costs increase with each passing year.

The health care industry is ridiculous. Drug companies, insurance companies and medical malpractice suits have completely trumped things that used to be important, like affordability and quality of care. Yet there are people who are violently opposed to universal health care. I don’t understand.

Yeah, you know what? I’m not for big government either. I mostly want the government to stay out of my affairs. However, there are occasional things that I think the government can do better than what we’ve done ourselves (and this health care crap is what We’ve Done Ourselves).

And really, you can’t tell me that it can be much worse than it is now. When it comes down to it, I will take the supposed longer wait times to see a quality doctor for free (or for much, much cheaper than now), over the current corrupt system ANY day.

It’s a very strange feeling for me.

For the past two years, I’ve not been working at a job where I get paid. I have been working, however. Staying with, teaching, and living life with a baby/toddler for many hours every week is a lot of work. Even so, the intangible, and mostly indescribably thing is how much effort it takes to do anything with a kid. Running to the grocery store is not necessarily a simple task. Even stopping for a quick lunch, or going to a coffee shop can be a huge struggle. Being completely alone this week, with no dependencies whatsoever, feels almost overwhelming to me. What do I do with my time? What did I do with my time before I had her? It is almost suffocating to consider!

I better enjoy it while it lasts, as this really is just my calm before the storm.

I’ve already found some interesting topics to consider, including ethics and professionalism in law, morality and what determines a person’s moral fitness, and the presence of the word “God” in the oaths taken for law schools and for bar admittance.

The good news is that I haven’t been bored by a single thing I’ve read thus far. I am quite eager to receive my books, and to begin my actual study of the law.