Then, I will be at my house, with the remainder of the people who are going but who didn’t get on that bus. We will twiddle our thumbs in anticipation of Wednesday afternoon, when we will board our OWN bus, a giant airbus in the sky, and begin our own adventure across the country.

I have been surprised by my lack of concern with regard to planning and packing for Burning Man this year. I really haven’t stressed about it at all. The only reason I’m at all stressed now is not so much because of the trip being imminent, but because of all the OTHER crap in my life. Burning Man is actually a CALM place compared to some of this other crap that has been going on.

I think I’m just not scared of it anymore. I think I’ve done it enough now to know what to expect, and how to be prepared for just about anything. I welcome the concept of dust storms or rain or cold or hot.

This should be interesting. I’m excited and ready to go.

But I wanted to take a minute to comment on my first week of my second year of law school. Currently, I’m in the law library, between classes. I figured it would be empty. It is absolutely full of terrified 1Ls, who are surrounded by brand new text books and legal dictionaries. You can tell, as you watch them switch between their pens and their highlighters, their laptops and their note pads, that they are still just beginning to puzzle out their note-taking and studying habits. I clearly remember how I felt at this time last year. It is absolutely amazing that it is so different for me now.

Now, I’m not afraid of my professors. I respect them, and will talk to them like colleagues and human beings. I honor them for their experiences. But I’m not afraid.

The professors are all so much more…chill. I hate to say it so casually, but really, they are so completely laid back when compared with professors from last semester. The Socratic method?! Are you kidding? Not in 2L land, kiddies. They don’t even LIKE calling on you. They just want you to speak up if you have something to say. So completely chill.

Our syllabuses (syllabi) no longer read like a death camp sentence. They were all 4-5 pages long last year. This year, we get half a page. They pretty much say, “show up, read the assignments, participate, or stay home.” No “don’t play on your laptops.” None of that extra crap they apparently throw in for 1Ls.

And I know where everything is already. For example, couches in the library had been rearranged. But I knew exactly where that hidden power socket was, which allowed for me to nab my favorite study spot, because none of the other people in here know the secrets yet.

My classes are all absolutely amazing this semester. I am thrilled by all of them so far. I really like all my professors, too. It really seems like every single class is going to have an impact on my immediate future and on my career.

By the way. I’m going to be a criminal defense attorney. I’ve decided. Barring some really major shift in thinking in the next 6 months, it’s a done deal. ACLU, protecting people’s rights, criminal defense, with some background in things like family law and stuff that would be appropriate to know regarding small businesses.

I am so completely glad to be here, and to be continuing this journey.

Laptop.

I love my laptop. The reason I got it (it was Troy’s, but it was brand new and he’d just gotten another one) was because of law school. I have used it for a variety of things, but law school has been the primary one. Now that school is out, I find myself feeling strange about my laptop. Now it’s primary use is nothing to do with law. I wonder if this is what it feels like when people lose their jobs and get to keep their work computers…

Books.

I still haven’t put away my school books. But seeing them now makes me a special kind of repulsed. I want them to be out of my sight soon. I don’t hate the books, because I have loved being in school; however it is VACATION time, and they remind me of a really crazy time in my life that I’m pretty ready to forget for at least a month.

Lists.

I am going nuts with all the crap I want to accomplish this summer. I am going to have to start making lists if there is going to be any chance whatsoever to actually get to everything.

I’ve never known anyone with AIDS, or even HIV. I thought I did once, when a “new guy” at school, who happened to be dating my best friend, heard from a former lover that the lover had tested positive. Two very awful weeks we waited for the test results, and fortunately, he was negative. Very scary times. But that’s it.

…until now.

Ever heard those stories about the guy who KNEW he had HIV, and purposefully went around, spreading it to people? Here’s a link to one guy who supposedly did this with a hundred-plus women. Doesn’t sound real, does it?

Well, it is. And it happened to someone I know. A good friend of mine from law school just got diagnosed with HIV, which he received as a super special gift from his roommate, who KNEW HE HAD IT when he chose to have sex with my friend. Roommate knew for over a year that he was HIV positive, and has chosen, on numerous occasions, to have unprotected sex with other guys regardless.

Obviously this is shocking and awful, and that part freaked me out. But what I have spent the most time considering is that my friend now has HIV. Like, forever. As in, this will likely eventually kill him.

This occupied my mind for a sold 48 hours. I was pretty much non-functional one night last week, because it hit me really hard. All of a sudden, this thing that I’ve known of my entire life was right here, literally sitting next to me at some points. HIV was no longer this abstract thing that happened to other people. It became very real.

And it isn’t like my friend was doing anything abnormal. He was doing the exact same thing that many of us do quite often. The roommate was a close friend. They had dated on and off for almost a year. They had had unprotected and protected sex. The roommate told him that he’d been tested recently and was clean. The same crap we ALL do with our lovers. My friend took it for granted that the roommate was honest. He had no reason not to, he’d know the guy forever. Why wouldn’t he? I’ve done the same with lovers, three times now. The difference is I’m lucky, and that is ALL.

I’ve found myself contemplating safer sex, and battling my re-emerging fear of STDs. This has been a constant concern for me my entire sexual life. More on this later.

For the first time in my life, I really like me. I even like my physical self. I will never have a supermodel body, and you know what? I, finally, don’t give a shit. I’m a badass. I completely rock. I am pretty freaking awesome in all the ways I like people to be awesome. I’d take the me that I am over being supermodel hot and mentally retarded any day.

I noted to T recently that I felt like everything in my life was gelling. I don’t mean the stuff going on around me – I mean my own views on the world. My opinions feel way more consistent, constant, solid and stable to me than they ever have before. I feel confident. I feel like I am actually intelligent, and that I have something to say. It’s great.

I’m a badass. I climb, move heavy things, fall off of stuff, challenge myself, handle shit completely without assistance, and take on my fears head-on, eyes wide open. I’m exactly the kind of woman I admire in other women, and that is beyond awesome.

I’m pretty proud of the me that I am. And I’m most happy about the fact that I can say that, straight-faced, and actually fucking mean it.

No, I’m not abused. I climb in the rafters of my warehouse. I run and jump. I hoop and I spin fire, and play with staffs (staves, but I hate that word).

I wonder sometimes how I’m ever going to deal with being in such a mainstream profession, because I hope to never NOT have bruises like this. I hope to always do fun stuff that’s a little dangerous and a whole lot of crazy.

As a side note, even the “freaks” in this school are starting to become mainstream. This makes me sad.

The first day of school, first semester, I showed up around an hour early, and went to my class nearly 30 minutes early. The class was already mostly full of anxious 1Ls.

The first day of school, second semester, I barely made it. I rolled in at 3 minutes ’till, and I was far from the last to enter the room. Several people skipped the first day entirely.

First semester, I would skip class before going without full briefs of every single word in the required reading for that class. This semester, I have briefed three cases total, out of approximately 15 read so far.

I am not necessarily proud of the fact that I’m not working as hard. I’m working hard in other, more efficient ways though, and I’m happy to know more about what I’m doing. I know what things to spend time on, and which things are less important.

I was on call today in Torts. I hadn’t really read the material like I should have, and I hadn’t briefed it at all. I had (still have, at the moment) a fever and a cold, and had really considered skipping the class entirely. And I did fine. I didn’t even get nervous like I have in the past. I’m getting the hang of this stuff.

I don’t know why this particular notion of releasing myself from the obligation of checking the time struck me the way that it did, but soon thereafter, I took off my watch forever. I haven’t worn one since, and it has been around 6 years since I last did so.

In my room, there are no windows. In fact, there is no view to the outside world within view of my room. So, it is always midnight in there. Time feels like it does not exist there. I thought I would feel claustrophobic without windows, but I have found instead that I sleep better than I ever have before.

Of course, the world is hung up on time, so there are times when I need to know what time it is. I prefer to set alarms on my cell phone, rather than to look at the time often. I just set my alarm for whatever point I need to begin to get ready, or when I need to head out, and that’s that.

When I am on vacation, or on weekends, I don’t look at clocks at all, ever.

All in all, living my life without a watch, and freeing myself from time has been a fantastic choice for me, and it is one that I encourage you to consider also.
You should try to live your life without a clock for a while.

I just completed my flash cards (this is my preferred method of studying) for my Torts exam, which happens on Thursday. My Torts outline is 21 pages, which I feel like is ridiculous and ample, but which is nearly 20 pages shorter than my professor suggested the outline SHOULD be. I’m trying not to let this stress me out.

My first exam is Contracts, and I think I’m going to be prepared. I worked with a study group today, and felt pleased with how much more of the info I knew than I thought I did.

An interesting thing about studying for law finals is the fact that I actually want to LEARN it and retain the information. Every single thing I learn will benefit me when I have clients. This isn’t like studying German in undergrad- I knew I wouldn’t use that ever again. So my studying was very basic, and included a lot of memorization, rather than learning. This is different, and I find myself *wanting* to stay up late and learn as much as I possibly can. And not so much because of the exam (although obviously that’s a motivating factor), but more because I *want* the knowledge, and I can see a purpose for having it.

I do find that I’m planning a lot of things during my 4 or so weeks between classes. I may sleep for a whole day, too. And read a fiction book. Or not ever read a single word, given how many words I’ve read this semester.