After taking a week or so to move past my poly temper tantrum, I’ve reached a positive conclusion. The primary reason I am poly is because I like to love. I love very, very easily, and once I love someone to a certain point, I rarely stop, even through the heartbreak, even with no communication for years. Eventually, inevitably, the people I love pop back into my life, and I find that I still love them, and it makes me smile. It’s this that makes polyamory happy for me, because I have no one in my life telling me it is not okay to love people easily and forever. I don’t have to feel guilty when I still love someone I’m no longer “with” (or never was “with” in some cases). Multiple loves.

I had a moment a couple of days ago where a person that I love, (who probably does not love me back [but maybe he does], and who I’m definitely not dating) popped up on Facebook. It made me smile. I have had some difficult emotions around him, and it made me really happy to find that I had reached a place where I was (I can’t think of a good word here – settled, stable, secure, even…) enough to just simply be happy to see him. It doesn’t have to be sad or angry or upsetting – you can love someone even if you aren’t dating them or sleeping with them or even around them all that much. It was kind of neat to sit there for a second and think fondly, and move on.

Yes, I stumble because I tend to fall for people extremely quickly. I find people that I really click for (for, not with. I don’t want to assume that they click back, but maybe they do), and it doesn’t happen all that often. So when it does, I latch, cling, and fall. Most of the time, it doesn’t go anywhere. I think this is mostly b/c I fall for people who are difficult for whatever reason. I don’t control that, so I don’t really know how to choose better. So, when it doesn’t work out, I really can’t understand, because I felt so strongly about it all. How can it NOT WORK OUT? It is devastating, usually for about a week. Then it’s just kind of sad for another week or two. Then eventually, I resign myself to this residual feeling, which eventually clears out, fades some, focuses, and becomes love.

This sounds creepy to read. It sounds like I completely lose my mind, obsessing, and that I’m one new person away from becoming a crazy stalker. It isn’t like that. I don’t do things like show up where people are just to see them, or send a million emails. I don’t peer in people’s windows. I mostly just think about the person a lot. I think about most people I care about, a lot.

I hesitated about typing this stuff up, but I felt like I needed to bring my thoughts around again after the last poly post. I hope people don’t assume I’m going to instantly fall in love with them, and avoid being around me. It’s actually pretty rare that I like someone that much.

I will add that I had another experience recently that reminded me of why I enjoy being polyamorous. I was hugging a friend and we were talking closely about something that had nothing to do with anything cuddly or sweet at all. And we really just fit together, the way we were standing together. I felt this crazy sweet, sexual, charged connection with him for those few moments, and it was awesome. It actually left me a little breathless. I walked away from that moment, thankful that I didn’t have to feel guilty about sharing it with someone who was not my husband. In the past, prior to my choosing to be poly, that moment would have possibly marked the beginning of the end of my monogamous relationship. I would have thought that if I was able to feel that with someone else, it must mean that my current relationship is fizzling. It doesn’t have to mean that now.

I still think polyamory sucks, and that it is tough, and quite possibly not worth it. However, I also think I can’t really be anything but poly. I think a lot of my issues with it lately have more to do with things going on inside my own head, heart, and family, and less with all the crap involved with being poly. I am changing my own approach for a while.