Fuck polyamory. I’ve heard all the catch-phrases, and have even said most, if not all of them myself. It’s a more enlightened way of approaching relationships. It expands your capacity to love, which is an awesome thing. The sense of community you get from it is amazing. The work you have to do in order to be poly, including becoming better at communication, understanding your own feelings, handling emotions, etc. are all things you probably would never have considered addressing yourself were it not for polyamory.

Yeah fuck all that. What’s the gain? You go through all the work, all the struggle of getting over the feelings of complete hatred you have every single time your partner hooks up with someone new, and you figure out all the “facets” of your own jealousy and insecurity. For what? Because of the rumored joys of being able to have that lovely feeling of obsession and unbridled lust that one gets at the beginning of a new relationship? People certainly don’t go through all that work just because they want to better themselves and move society toward more open and loving relationships.

No, people actually become polyamorous because they like to fuck. They like to fall in love. They like to lust after the hot thing that just walked by, (hopefully) without their partner having a fucking conniption fit in public. That feeling people get when they fancy someone knew. THAT is why people are fucking polyamorous, not because it is somehow “enlightened.”

I’m not sure that it is worth it though. That feeling is a bag of bullshit in my opinion. Find someone you dig, then get butterflies over them. Go about whatever it is you do in your relationship strategy. Some people ask for phone numbers, other e-stalk. Whatever. You eventually decide to let the person know. Or you don’t. And then you obsess and think and watch for them and hope they update their fucking Facebook status, so you will have some glimpse into whatever it is they do with their lives. You ponder how you might fit there. Then time passes and nothing comes of it, and you cycle through the standard emotions: lust, hope, fear, sadness, anger, abandonment, maybe a touch of depression, baseline. Back to square one, while your fucking partner is off fucking three new people and getting attention all over the place.

And maybe every once in a while, poly people find someone knew to actually “date.” And maybe it will even last for a while. Maybe they will fall in love, or hot lust, or something. Eventually though, it disintegrates. And they do it all over again with someone new. Polyamory means you get to go through this ridiculous, awful cycle over and over and over again, your entire fucking life. Rather than ending up in a marriage where, at your 50th wedding anniversary you may not like your spouse much, but at least you know the fucker is going to be around from day to day, you instead get to deal with the constant rejection, pain, heartache and bother of dead end relationship after dead end relationship. Do you actually REMEMBER high school? Do you remember how fucking awful it felt to be one of the only ones without a date at the time? Do you remember wondering what’s wrong with you, and why no one wanted YOU? Well consider that as an adult, with your beer gut, your childbirth scars, your stretchmarks, your never-going-to-be-in-shape-again adult body, your kids, your ever-present job and your bald spot. Now guess how easy it is to get a date, and how much it fucking messes with your head when no one is in to you. You thought it sucked when you actually looked half-decent in your younger years.

Rather than dealing with that shit once and for all, and finally just settling instead poly people elect to do it over and over. Why would we do this intentionally? Why would we set ourselves up to deal with the awkwardness of dating, when we could easily just leave that life behind?

Oh and don’t forget, you’re supposed to CELEBRATE the fact that your partner, if you even have one, is off fucking the ever loving shit out of someone, while you haven’t even seen the genitals of anyone new in two fucking years. Remember that it is unacceptable in polyamory to be jealous of this. That isn’t enlightened at all!

Yeah polyamory is great. I suppose the argument is that the enlightened mindset, as well as the supposed vast level of personal fulfillment poly people get from all their “many loves” (no matter how short-lived, apparently) somehow trumps all the complete bullshit that goes along with it. I’m not really sure how THAT math makes much sense, given how much the fucking cycle of infatuation and letdown SUCKS, but there you go.